When the pandemic sent her home from college mid-semester in 2020, Eli Rallo, a podcast host and content creator based in New York City, realized that she was finally ready to ask for help for an eating disorder.
It wasn’t a quick fix—most things aren’t—but it was definitely a step in the right direction for Rallo, now 24 and author of the upcoming book I Didn’t Know I Needed This, out in December.
Even now, several years later, she’ll have a “bad body day” here and there, when she makes a point of not staring at herself in the mirror when she’s getting dressed and heading out to meet the world. But now she has a much healthier relationship with food and her own body, and she wants to inspire others to seek help too.
Disordered eating isn’t always readily apparent: Nearly 29 million people in the US will struggle with disordered eating at some time in their lives, according to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA). But it’s not always easy to recognize when another person is struggling with an eating disorder.
“What’s tough about disordered eating is that people think it looks one way, and it doesn’t have one look,” says Rallo. As an outsider, he says, you might not even realize someone (even a close friend) is having trouble, especially if they’re spending a lot of effort to hide it from everyone.
Rallo knows this from firsthand experience. No one noticed that she had developed disordered eating patterns when she was a student at the University of Michigan. She never lost enough weight that anyone noticed—or at least no one expressed concern directly to her. But she became increasingly vigilant about making sure that no one knew.
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Her experience started with an effort to eat “super healthy,” with carefully controlled portion sizes to limit her calorie intake. But that wasn’t enough. As time went on, she developed an unhealthy routine of binging and restricting. If she made a mistake, it ruined her day, and she threw her routine into turmoil.
“The worse the restricting got, the worse the binging got,” she remembered.
As her college career was dragged on, she began to isolate herself. Like many people with an eating disorder, she tried to cover it up so no one would know. She stopped going anywhere where she might not be in complete control of what she would be eating or drinking. If there was going to be a party with food or alcohol, she would skip it if it threatened her resolve—and her routine. “I didn’t trust myself around food,” Rallo admits.
The Turning Point
Sometimes, it’s hard to admit to yourself that you’re struggling with an eating disorder, let alone tell someone else. Rallo was already seeing a therapist during college. But she deliberately didn’t bring up the issue of her binging and restricting it during her therapy sessions. “For a very long time, I didn’t get any help,” she explained.
In fact, she says she didn’t really want any help for a long time. It took a global pandemic to nudge her to take the first step on the road to recovery.
When the COVID-19 pandemic began in 2020, Rallo—like many other college students—was forced to leave school and go home. And because she was away from school, the sorority house and her usual stressors, she had plenty of time to think. She was free of distractions, and she began to let herself reflect.
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Slowly, she began to broach the topic—first with herself and then with her therapist and doctor. She realized that she was tired of food controlling her life. Her habits and her routine had become exhausting. “I didn’t want the binging and restricting to be a part of me anymore,” she says.
Her doctor eventually suggested that she also consult a nutritionist, which she did. And she benefited from being surrounded by her family—all of whom had much more positive relationships with food.
Rallo also began to develop some strategies to help her, especially in challenging times. “I have a lot of tools in my toolbox to manage those urgent matters when they come, if they do come,” she says.
For example, she developed a strategy where she can set a timer for 15 minutes if she ever feels the urge to binge eat. So much binging is based on haste, so this strategy is designed to keep her from doing anything impulsively that she will soon regret. She doesn’t allow herself to make any decisions during that 15-minute window when the timer is ticking down. Instead, she goes outside and listens to a podcast, or lies in her bed and listens to some of her favorite music.
“I would try to clear my head completely and not think about anything else,” she explained. “Usually by the end, I would forget about everything.”
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Know That Help Is Available
Eating disorders should not be taken lightly, says Rallo. Eating disorders are illnesses, and they can be treated. It’s also important to understand that they’re not a choice, according to NEDA. Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding mental illness in general and eating disorders, in particular, has often precluded many people from seeking professional attention.
Rallo’s guidance for anyone who thinks they may be struggling with an eating disorder? Ask for help because treatment is available.
If you’re already seeing a mental health professional, you can start there. They can refer you to other professionals with specialized experience in treating eating disorders. You can also ask your primary care physician for referrals.
Another option is NEDA, which includes resources such as:
It took Rallo time, effort and professional guidance to learn how to have a healthier relationship with food—and with her own body. But it was worth it. She felt freer when she learned how to spend her time striving to feel joy, to feel excited about making the most of her time, rather than hating herself.
And she realized that she didn’t need to worry about anyone else’s opinion of her body, either.
“Your body is yours, and that is so special,” Rallo shares. “So you have to respect your body and love your body.”
Next up: Jane Fonda Gets Candid About Her Past Eating Disorder